I have decided to open my heart and write a very candid letter to my recently passed away mother. It has been hard on me as I was under the impression she had her life under control, and then this slapped us in the face. I wasn't going to write this out of respect to others, but as her daughter I believe I have the right to feel the way I feel and to express it as I would like. So I apologize if this offends you.
Dear Mom,
I am having such anger issues with your death. It has been very hard for me to separate dad's suicide and your overdose. Truly whats the difference? You were not a dumb person, you knew the consequences to your actions and you didn't care. You knew that any minute I could be giving birth to my little guy, your grandson, and you didn't care. You promised me, to the point of me actually believing you, that you were going to come visit us. But the truth ended up being, that a quick high was more important than your children or grandchildren. Honestly, how many times did you choose drugs or alcohol over us? How many visits to Michigan were canceled because you didnt have enough money? And where did your money go? How many times did we go without because we didn't have enough money? This is not a new problem, this has been a constant issue for over ten years.
It took me over 10 years to get angry at dad for what he did. You saw how his death affected all of us children, but that wasn't enough. Gosh mom, why was drugs so much better than your children? I look at my son, and I would do anything for him. I would give up the world just to see him smile. I just don't understand how every mom doesn't feel the same way. But you didn't feel the same way, did you? I can make a list of things that were more important than us children. For goodness sake, you didnt speak to me for over a year! And why? Because your drug infested life was more important than your first born child. You brought danger to your children more than once. You gave us drugs, cigarettes and alcohol. How do you rationalize that?
Now can you explain to me mom, how your drug overdose is any different than dad shooting himself? In all honesty, you chose this. You may not have known that when you started that night that it would kill you, but you knew the dangers you were putting yourself in. You knew that if anything happened to you that the three of us would be orphaned. And you did it anyways, over and over again. You just didn't care about anything but the "now". How would it make you feel "now". Well mom, how do you feel now? You know have three relatively young children with no parents. You have three grandchildren that will never have grandparents. You willingly orphaned us.
Mom, I was asked the other day "how big were you when you were born?" Well I don't know that answer, nor the answer to hundreds of other questions from my childhood, and who can I ask? Noone! I hope your last night was worth it mom.
But here's the deal. I forgive you. Not because you deserve it, but because I was forgiven when I didn't deserve it. I am not going to let this control my life, you made your bed, and now are laying in it. The only thing I can do now is raise my son the way God asks me to and not the way I was shown. I still love you. I still am sad that you are gone. I am still sad that your grandson will never meet you. But life goes on. And I will "go on" happily with my family.
Love,
Kari
PS to my readers, this was all the anger I could muster just to get it out. On a normal day to day basis I am not this angry, but I feel that if I were to just to let it all out it would make me feel better. I will let you know. But please keep me and my family (sister and brother especially) in your prayers as I know we are all dealing with this.
I am a follower of a blog titled "Birth Without Fear"and the other day she posted a letter that she had wrote to her unborn child. I really liked the letter, and even more liked the idea of writing a letter to Ethan. So I am going to go ahead and do that.
My amazing little guy,
You are currently 16 days old, and every day you amaze me by how much I love you and how awesome you prove to be. Even so little and tiny, you tug at your daddy and my heart everyday. I fall in love with you more and more each facial expression you make, or groan you make, every sleepless night, and yes, even every diaper I change. It seems cliche but you are perfect. God gave you to us as a gift, and I promise you we do not take this gift for granted.
Mommy and daddy wanted you for a very long time. We just didn't know how God would answer that prayer. Mommy has dreamt about the day she would hold you for years. Daddy has prayed for the chance to be an amazing father (which I think you would agree he is succeeding at) for years. And one day, we decided that it was time for us to go for it and start a family. We prayed that God would agree with us, and bless us with you, and he did.
When I told your daddy that I was pregnant with you, he was ecstatic. I have only seen him happier once in my life, and that was the day I became his wife. It was an answered prayer. And throughout the entire pregnancy it felt to good to be true. This little life that was moving around inside of me was truly going to be our son. You have been daddy's little guy from the womb. Whenever I got worried because you weren't moving around as much as I thought you should have been, I would ask daddy to talk to you and then, without fail, little kicks and punches would start.
We prayed and prayed for how you would enter the world, and were prepared to meet you. And by the time 42 weeks pregnant came around, you can imagine we were anxious and ready to meet you.
Little guy, I love EVERYTHING about you. I could not be more blessed to have you. I am overwhelmed by you, in the best possible way. Your daddy and I love each other very much, and we never realized that something was missing from our relationship/marriage until 16 days ago. You have completed all those empty places we had.
I pray that mommy and daddy never take our little miracle guy for granted, I pray that we always look at you as the blessing we see you today as. Mommy and Daddy love you Ethan, so very much.
I can't promise that Daddy and I will be perfect parents, and I won't promise that decisions we make won't make you angry. But I promise you this...Daddy and I will raise you in a Godly household, and every decision we make in parenting will be after consulting with God and making sure we are following his will. If we mess up, we will do everything we can to rectify it, with you and with God. And, Ethan, when you are 16 years old, and we tell make a decision that angers you, remember one thing, we love you.
(Oh and I told Granny De, that you and I have a pact that you wont grow up big, you will stay my little guy forever, make sure you keep your end of that bargain for mommy, ok?)
Love,
Mommy
