Thursday, February 9, 2012

Lost Child

I have decided to open my heart and write a very candid letter to my recently passed away mother. It has been hard on me as I was under the impression she had her life under control, and then this slapped us in the face. I wasn't going to write this out of respect to others, but as her daughter I believe I have the right to feel the way I feel and to express it as I would like. So I apologize if this offends you.

Dear Mom,

I am having such anger issues with your death. It has been very hard for me to separate dad's suicide and your overdose. Truly whats the difference? You were not a dumb person, you knew the consequences to your actions and you didn't care. You knew that any minute I could be giving birth to my little guy, your grandson, and you didn't care. You promised me, to the point of me actually believing you, that you were going to come visit us. But the truth ended up being, that a quick high was more important than your children or grandchildren. Honestly, how many times did you choose drugs or alcohol over us? How many visits to Michigan were canceled because you didnt have enough money? And where did your money go? How many times did we go without because we didn't have enough money? This is not a new problem, this has been a constant issue for over ten years.

It took me over 10 years to get angry at dad for what he did. You saw how his death affected all of us children, but that wasn't enough. Gosh mom, why was drugs so much better than your children? I look at my son, and I would do anything for him. I would give up the world just to see him smile. I just don't understand how every mom doesn't feel the same way. But you didn't feel the same way, did you? I can make a list of things that were more important than us children. For goodness sake, you didnt speak to me for over a year! And why? Because your drug infested life was more important than your first born child. You brought danger to your children more than once. You gave us drugs, cigarettes and alcohol. How do you rationalize that?

Now can you explain to me mom, how your drug overdose is any different than dad shooting himself? In all honesty, you chose this. You may not have known that when you started that night that it would kill you, but you knew the dangers you were putting yourself in. You knew that if anything happened to you that the three of us would be orphaned. And you did it anyways, over and over again. You just didn't care about anything but the "now". How would it make you feel "now". Well mom, how do you feel now? You know have three relatively young children with no parents. You have three grandchildren that will never have grandparents. You willingly orphaned us.

Mom, I was asked the other day "how big were you when you were born?" Well I don't know that answer, nor the answer to hundreds of other questions from my childhood, and who can I ask? Noone! I hope your last night was worth it mom.

But here's the deal. I forgive you. Not because you deserve it, but because I was forgiven when I didn't deserve it. I am not going to let this control my life, you made your bed, and now are laying in it. The only thing I can do now is raise my son the way God asks me to and not the way I was shown. I still love you. I still am sad that you are gone. I am still sad that your grandson will never meet you. But life goes on. And I will "go on" happily with my family.


PS to my readers, this was all the anger I could muster just to get it out. On a normal day to day basis I am not this angry, but I feel that if I were to just to let it all out it would make me feel better. I will let you know. But please keep me and my family (sister and brother especially) in your prayers as I know we are all dealing with this.


Jennifer Moore Fryman said...

I fully understand what you are going through.My mother also died the same way only with a little alcohol involved.The sad part was she had not drank for 20 years before the week she died but was very addicted to prescription pain pills and the damage to her liver from the pills was too great to handle the little alcohol she had.She called me the night before Thanksgiving 2006 to tell me happy birthday and I could tell she had been drinking.The last thing I said was that I wish she wouldn't call me anymore if she is gonna call me drunk and the next morning,Thanksgiving Day,my dad called to tell me she was laying on the couch dead.It was very hard for me to forgive her but even harder to forgive myself because I knew I would never hear her sweet voice again.If you ever need someone to talk to,I am here.

Stephanie R said...

I am so glad you wrote this Kari because this is so close to how I am feeling right now too. It kills me that I have to tell my daughter one day that both of her grandparents are gone due to drugs in one way or another. I love my mother but I also resent her right now for being so selfish. Thanks Kari I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

Erin B. said...

No one in their right mind will judge your rant. You do your thing. Love you.