I have been dreading this blog for the entire month. I know exactly what time period I am going to write about, I just am not sure "how" to write it. How much detail to go in to? Whether I should go into detail at all. Its been a battle. I still don't know the answer to it, but I am going to start writing right now and see where it leads me.
I will start with a tiny back story. I was a "Christian" by name only for many years. Sure, I would go to church, and even bible study. But I never really gave my life over to God for real until after 2009/2010. And this was during/right after I hit the lowest low of my life. I was previously married to my high school boyfriend. And our entire marriage was tainted by infidelity, lies, insecurities, control and lots of other evil. This gave Satan the perfect foothold into my life to finish the evil he started. Now don't get me wrong, I am not "blame shifting" here, I accept full responsiblity of my actions. I just know that in my weakness and distraction, I gave Satan the perfect opportunity to plant seeds in my life.
In 2008 he deployed to Iraq and our marriage was in a rough spot as it was. The day he left, neither of us knew how that deployment would affect us. Neither of us were mentally ready face such a challenge. For a couple of months though, things turned around, and I was trying to turn back to God and do good. He was trying to help as well.
But then Satan grabbed a hold of me, and refused to let go....and I didn't fight it much. From the months of November 2008 until May 2009 I was Satan's puppet. I was the perfect definition of a "hypocritical christian". If it was wrong, I did it. I lied. I cheated. I stole. I ruined lives/families. I lived two lives. One life that my Christian friends and my ex-husband knew about. The one where I went to work, came home, vegged out with TV Series. And then there was other life. The one that only those apart of knew about.
During this time, I had blinders on. If I would have looked at my actions I would have known what I was doing was ungodly, it was so ungodly, that the ungodly even knew it was wrong. But I refused to look. I just kept going. I did what I wanted and was totally OK living this lie.
That is, until I was caught. (Isn't that always how it is...) God set it up where I would get caught no matter how well I thought I "covered my tracks". Once I was caught, those blinders came flying off, and I was mortified. I could not believe the things I was doing with no guilt, no shame, and no care. I just could not believe it. I still can not believe it.
I looked in the mirror and was disgusted. I became the person I swore I would never be. I did things that I swore I would never do. I was just mortified. I made decisions during this time that were unchangable. And when I was faced with that realization, I realized that I was drowning. I lost my way and I needed help.
Praise the Lord though that when you hit the ground, you have no where to turn but up. And Jesus is always there to grab your hand and help you back to your feet....and that blog is for tomorrow. I will tell you all about how I truly found the Lord and how much it has helped me.
Dear Charlie, Oh my love, how could I be so blessed as to have you love me so deeply? How did God see me as worthy, even as I was living in sin, to grant me the love I have begged for years to have?
My life has been so chaotic, and has so many low points. It would be very easy to fall into a "woe is me" outlook of life. I could easily curse God for all the pain that I went through. But I see it all as a way to help me grow and make me who I am. There are so many scars in my past that I wish were not there. However I can see each step brought me right into your arms. A friend recently stated to me, "Ugh, Why couldn't you and Charles find each other sooner?" and it was so easy for me to answer, "Because we would have been a mess for each other". God knew better than us. God knew what we needed to go through in our individual lives before we could come together and love each other so fully and completely. From the first moment you looked at me and said "I love you" I have never doubted it. During our lowest low, I still knew. The biggest doubt I had ever had was, "will this intense deep love last?" "will I ever be good enough to deserve this, and keep you around?" Well my love, I still doubt myself, but you have spent everyday out our last year together building me up and making me feel more love than I ever knew was possible. I believe in you. I believe in your love. I believe that those eyes look at me with as much love as your words profess. I believe it, and I love it!
For years I prayed to God for a family, I begged God for a Christian husband, I cried to Him regularly to fill my womb with a child. And finally those prayers have been answered, but no where near how I thought they would be. Thank God, He knows better than I do. Thank God that He knew that there was a man waiting for me, and was going to fulfill ALL of those prayers. I am in complete awe with how God has orchestrated my life. And I thank Him daily for allowing me to have a husband who strives daily to show Christ's love to me, to lead this family the way God calls you too, and to be a better man. I am so proud of you and the man of God you are becoming. You're growth and change that I have seen in the last year is admirable. You are growing in the the man God wants you to be. I cannot wait to see who you become and stand next to you as you grow. I love you Charlie. Your devoted loving wife, Kari Rose
My life has not been perfect. I have done quite a few things that are not things that "good Christians" should do. And I held alot of shame over those things for a long time. It wasn't until a friend approached me (with equal types of "bad" things in her past" and asked me, if I have a problem forgiving those who have hurt me, or forgiving myself for the bad I have done. This really got me thinking. The quick answer was no, I no longer feel guilty. But then I had to ask myself "Why?"
I do not "deserve" the blessings that God has given me, I do not "deserve" this amazing family i have, I do not "deserve" this second...third...forth...etc chance that I have been given. And then it clicked. I do not "deserve" any of this. But isn't that alone, the whole point. We as humans do not deserve the eternale life God has promised. We will never live up to those standards and we will never be "good enough".
I told my friend (which was God speaking through me, considering it was in the moment, and wasn't until hours later I realized how true of a statement I was making) that once I truly gave my life over to Jesus, and leaned on him for my salvation. Once I made life style changes to become a child of God and not a child of Satan, that God had forgiven me. I had become a new creation in Christ. I was no longer who I had been, but I was now God's chosen child. The old me was gone.
So as a follower of Jesus, once I asked for his forgiveness, he wiped my sin away, made me white as snow. He no longer held those sins over me. So if the creator of the universe had forgiven me, and I had made life style changes, and I was now walking as a child of God, then why shouldn't I deserve the blessings God has given me.
I will never be deserving of God's goodness. I will never be sinless. I will never be all that I should be. But I try everyday to be a little bit better and I believe that God sees that I am trying and honors that.
There are two songs that helped me during my walk back to Christ, two songs that made me realize, I am not who I was, I am not the mistakes I made. I am Kari Rose Hache. And Jesus Christ loves me and has forgiven me. I hope that if you are struggling through past sins, and whether or not you deserve anything new they will help you too.
Change in the Making
Addision Road
You are More
Tenth Avenue North
Just remember two truths from these songs. God is not done with you yet and you are more than the sins you have made. I pray that this blog reaches someone deeply, because it has been just tugging at my heart for days to write. If you have any questions, or need to talk more in depth about Gods love for you, about his forgiveness, or about how you can also be free from bondage, please comment or email me at faithcanmove7@gmail.com. I would LOVE to talk to you.
In 2008 he deployed to Iraq and our marriage was in a rough spot as it was. The day he left, neither of us knew how that deployment would affect us. Neither of us were mentally ready face such a challenge. For a couple of months though, things turned around, and I was trying to turn back to God and do good. He was trying to help as well. 
I looked in the mirror and was disgusted. I became the person I swore I would never be. I did things that I swore I would never do. I was just mortified. I made decisions during this time that were unchangable. And when I was faced with that realization, I realized that I was drowning. I lost my way and I needed help. 
