It is very obvious by now...I am a Christian. And as a Christian I know that I am not to judge. God is our only judge and it is not my place to say what you should be doing, or anything like that. It is my job to love you, and if you are open to it, teach you (still through love). Well I am having a hard time on this subject lately. And it is affecting my life hardcore.
I am so passionate about the topics of breastfeeding, circumcision, elective c-sections, etc. When I hear about people going against "my" views on this, I literally get angry. I throw a fit. Get all worked up.
Then I have to step back (normally at Charlies encouragement) and realize its not my life, its not my body, its not my baby. And just because I think that its the best option (and have medical reasons to back me up) it still isn't really any of my business. People will do what they will do and bombarding them with guilt, or scary facts is not loving them.
So I confess and I am walking away. As best as I can that is. If I know you, and you are pregnant, and I seem a bit distant on this subject and you think that is a little weird, its because I just can't put my heart in it anymore. I will most likely ask once, and depending on your answer that will be the end. But if I see facebook posts that don't agree with my opinion, I am just going to stop looking, not get my heart broken.
I promise you though, I have the best of intentions. I love your babies, and I want them to have the best healthiest life possible. Sorry if it comes out condescending or rude.
I have decided to open my heart and write a very candid letter to my recently passed away mother. It has been hard on me as I was under the impression she had her life under control, and then this slapped us in the face. I wasn't going to write this out of respect to others, but as her daughter I believe I have the right to feel the way I feel and to express it as I would like. So I apologize if this offends you.
Dear Mom,
I am having such anger issues with your death. It has been very hard for me to separate dad's suicide and your overdose. Truly whats the difference? You were not a dumb person, you knew the consequences to your actions and you didn't care. You knew that any minute I could be giving birth to my little guy, your grandson, and you didn't care. You promised me, to the point of me actually believing you, that you were going to come visit us. But the truth ended up being, that a quick high was more important than your children or grandchildren. Honestly, how many times did you choose drugs or alcohol over us? How many visits to Michigan were canceled because you didnt have enough money? And where did your money go? How many times did we go without because we didn't have enough money? This is not a new problem, this has been a constant issue for over ten years.
It took me over 10 years to get angry at dad for what he did. You saw how his death affected all of us children, but that wasn't enough. Gosh mom, why was drugs so much better than your children? I look at my son, and I would do anything for him. I would give up the world just to see him smile. I just don't understand how every mom doesn't feel the same way. But you didn't feel the same way, did you? I can make a list of things that were more important than us children. For goodness sake, you didnt speak to me for over a year! And why? Because your drug infested life was more important than your first born child. You brought danger to your children more than once. You gave us drugs, cigarettes and alcohol. How do you rationalize that?
Now can you explain to me mom, how your drug overdose is any different than dad shooting himself? In all honesty, you chose this. You may not have known that when you started that night that it would kill you, but you knew the dangers you were putting yourself in. You knew that if anything happened to you that the three of us would be orphaned. And you did it anyways, over and over again. You just didn't care about anything but the "now". How would it make you feel "now". Well mom, how do you feel now? You know have three relatively young children with no parents. You have three grandchildren that will never have grandparents. You willingly orphaned us.
Mom, I was asked the other day "how big were you when you were born?" Well I don't know that answer, nor the answer to hundreds of other questions from my childhood, and who can I ask? Noone! I hope your last night was worth it mom.
But here's the deal. I forgive you. Not because you deserve it, but because I was forgiven when I didn't deserve it. I am not going to let this control my life, you made your bed, and now are laying in it. The only thing I can do now is raise my son the way God asks me to and not the way I was shown. I still love you. I still am sad that you are gone. I am still sad that your grandson will never meet you. But life goes on. And I will "go on" happily with my family.
Love,
Kari
PS to my readers, this was all the anger I could muster just to get it out. On a normal day to day basis I am not this angry, but I feel that if I were to just to let it all out it would make me feel better. I will let you know. But please keep me and my family (sister and brother especially) in your prayers as I know we are all dealing with this.
