Friday, May 18, 2012

18 Years too long

Today is the anniversary of my dad's death. He died 18 years ago, leaving behind an 8 and 6 year old daughter, and a one year old son. Thus began, in my opinion, the first life changing trama I have experienced. 

I have very little memories of my dad and not all the ones I have are good. But I am told continuously that without a doubt, my dad loved me very much. My dad was a good guy. Everyone that has ever spoke to me about my dad, has never said anything bad about him. And I have been told, that the one bad memory I have of my dad was brought on by drugs and was not his real personality.

Just for fun, I want to share the very few memories I have of my dad (excluding the one negative, because I don't find that important to remember).

~We were on a small boat fishing. It was just the two of us.
~The house we lived in Oklahoma had a hill down the road, and in one of my memories, my dad was riding his bike home from work. I saw him coming from the one side of the hill, he disappeared and then on the other side of the hill.
~ My dad airbrushing a shirt in the back breezeway type room.
~It was Christmas, and I was sick. We had bunkbeds, and dad was bringing me Sprite.

Well thats it. That is my dad, in my first hand experience. I know a bunch of other stories about him because of friends and family members (for which I am thankful for), but thats all from my head.

It hurts me so deep that I don't have either parent anymore. I look to my little guy and he smiles at me, and it just makes my whole day. It makes me wonder, did my mom and dad feel that same joy? Did they feel that same deep love? I am sure they did, but I would love to just talk to them about it.

I am 26 years old, I have been without my dad for 18 years. Thats 10 years longer than I had him in my life. I don't even know who I would be today if he was still around. His death changed my life.

It took me a very long time to no longer be angry at my dad for his choice (he committed suicide). I still have abandoment issues because of his decision. I felt for a long time, that it was my fault. That I wasn't good enough. That he didn't love me enough. That his children just wasn't enough for him.

As an adult, I am able to see now that it was the drugs that just overtook his life and it had nothing to do with his love for me or my siblings, but it took a very long time and I still have some very deep scars from that.

The point is...I miss my dad. I miss my mom. And today, is a sad day for me.
18 years fatherless
4 months 6 days motherless.

1 comment:

Marsha said...

Sweet Kari,

Our earthy fathers can never measure up to our heavenely one who loves unconditionally. ( I know you know that, by the way.) I have only been without my dad for a a little over a year, but he wasn't a hughe part of my life for more years than I can count. We have a lot in common besides our family name. Drugs with your dad, alcohol with mine. I feel both of these kept us from seeing the true personalities of our dads. I too feel like my dad made selfish choices; not to the extent of suicide but I firmly believe he would have lived many more years had he not abused his body with the choices he made. I was mad too, Dear, for a spell and find myself going there again on occasion. My anger came from my dad not being the spiritual "head of the family" and not putting the emphasis and value on living a life with Jesus and the center. I wonder what kind of woman I would have been if I had grown up with a God-fearing father. I realize that he could not give me what he did not have or understand. WE cannot live our lives wondering "what if". I praise God for the gentle nudges towards Him and His fierce love that had always been there, yet letting me find it and grab hold when I did. I, like you, have a different plan for my child. Our ways are not his ways and we don't have to pay for the sins of the father. I pray you find absolute peace where your heart hurts the most. In Christ; Love, Marsh