Judgment Control

It is very obvious by now...I am a Christian. And as a Christian I know that I am not to judge. God is our only judge and it is not my place to say what you should be doing, or anything like that. It is my job to love you, and if you are open to it, teach you (still through love). Well I am having a hard time on this subject lately. And it is affecting my life hardcore.

I am so passionate about the topics of breastfeeding, circumcision, elective c-sections, etc. When I hear about people going against "my" views on this, I literally get angry. I throw a fit. Get all worked up.

Then I have to step back (normally at Charlies encouragement) and realize its not my life, its not my body, its not my baby. And just because I think that its the best option (and have medical reasons to back me up) it still isn't really any of my business. People will do what they will do and bombarding them with guilt, or scary facts is not loving them.

So I confess and I am walking away. As best as I can that is. If I know you, and you are pregnant, and I seem a bit distant on this subject and you think that is a little weird, its because I just can't put my heart in it anymore. I will most likely ask once, and depending on your answer that will be the end. But if I see facebook posts that don't agree with my opinion, I am just going to stop looking, not get my heart broken.

I promise you though, I have the best of intentions. I love your babies, and I want them to have the best healthiest life possible. Sorry if it comes out condescending or rude.

Day 28 -- Something you hope to change about yourself and why

There are a ton of superficial things that I would change about myself (lose weight, have smaller boobs, lol).  I am trying to be better about these things. So two things I would truly want to change about me are....


1. I wish I didn't care what you thought about me. All of you. I want to be liked. I want to be important. And although I am improving, it's still not where it should be.



2. I wish I liked to run. Or workout at all. I hear people say all the time how relaxing running is. How great it is to clear your head. But to me, its miserable. I absolutely hate it. It would be so much easier to get in shape and stay in shape if I have any enjoyment in it at all.

I don't believe either of these things are life changing or anything, but I think it would help me be a better me. I am overall a happy person. And I think I am daily trying to better myself. Thankfully, where I am weak, God is strong. He is shaping me to be the best me I can be, and if that me hates running and still cares what others think, then thats fine by me. Truth be told. I don't need to change anything about me to be happy. I am happy. Truly and completely happy.

Day 26 -- Describe a dark/turbulent moment in your life

I have been dreading this blog for the entire month. I know exactly what time period I am going to write about, I just am not sure "how" to write it. How much detail to go in to? Whether I should go into detail at all. Its been a battle. I still don't know the answer to it, but I am going to start writing right now and see where it leads me.

I will start with a tiny back story. I was a "Christian" by name only for many years. Sure, I would go to church, and even bible study. But I never really gave my life over to God for real until after 2009/2010. And this was during/right after I hit the lowest low of my life. I was previously married to my high school boyfriend. And our entire marriage was tainted by infidelity, lies, insecurities, control and lots of other evil. This gave Satan the perfect foothold into my life to finish the evil he started. Now don't get me wrong, I am not "blame shifting" here, I accept full responsiblity of my actions. I just know that in my weakness and distraction, I gave Satan the perfect opportunity to plant seeds in my life.

 In 2008 he deployed to Iraq and our marriage was in a rough spot as it was. The day he left, neither of us knew how that deployment would affect us. Neither of us were mentally ready face such a challenge. For a couple of months though, things turned around, and I was trying to turn back to God and do good. He was trying to help as well.

But then Satan grabbed a hold of me, and refused to let go....and I didn't fight it much. From the months of November 2008 until May 2009 I was Satan's puppet. I was the perfect definition of a "hypocritical christian". If it was wrong, I did it. I lied. I cheated. I stole. I ruined lives/families.

I lived two lives.  One life that my Christian friends and my ex-husband knew about. The one where I went to work, came home, vegged out with TV Series. And then there was other life. The one that only those apart of knew about.

During this time, I had blinders on. If I would have looked at my actions I would have known what I was doing was ungodly, it was so ungodly, that the ungodly even knew it was wrong. But I refused to look. I just kept going. I did what I wanted and was totally OK living this lie.

That is, until I was caught. (Isn't that always how it is...) God set it up where I would get caught no matter how well I thought I "covered my tracks". Once I was caught, those blinders came flying off, and I was mortified. I could not believe the things I was doing with no guilt, no shame, and no care. I just could not believe it. I still can not believe it.

 I looked in the mirror and was disgusted. I became the person I swore I would never be. I did things that I swore I would never do. I was just mortified. I made decisions during this time that were unchangable. And when I was faced with that realization, I realized that I was drowning. I lost my way and I needed help.

Praise the Lord though that when you hit the ground, you have no where to turn but up. And Jesus is always there to grab your hand and help you back to your feet....and that blog is for tomorrow. I will tell you all about how I truly found the Lord and how much it has helped me.

Day 21 -- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?

My little man and me, 5 months old.
June 21, 2011

12 weeks pregnant with my little man
June 26, 2011

How have I changed in the last year? It has been a year full of change. I got married, I became a mama, and if that wasn't enough, I got baptized, grew in my relationship with Christ. Its been a great year. And probably the most eventful ever. Never in my life have I been so happy, and I would not change a single thing. If all the hurt I had to go through in the past brought me to my life now....it was well worth it. I love you Ethan and Charlie