18 Years too long

Today is the anniversary of my dad's death. He died 18 years ago, leaving behind an 8 and 6 year old daughter, and a one year old son. Thus began, in my opinion, the first life changing trama I have experienced. 

I have very little memories of my dad and not all the ones I have are good. But I am told continuously that without a doubt, my dad loved me very much. My dad was a good guy. Everyone that has ever spoke to me about my dad, has never said anything bad about him. And I have been told, that the one bad memory I have of my dad was brought on by drugs and was not his real personality.

Just for fun, I want to share the very few memories I have of my dad (excluding the one negative, because I don't find that important to remember).

~We were on a small boat fishing. It was just the two of us.
~The house we lived in Oklahoma had a hill down the road, and in one of my memories, my dad was riding his bike home from work. I saw him coming from the one side of the hill, he disappeared and then on the other side of the hill.
~ My dad airbrushing a shirt in the back breezeway type room.
~It was Christmas, and I was sick. We had bunkbeds, and dad was bringing me Sprite.

Well thats it. That is my dad, in my first hand experience. I know a bunch of other stories about him because of friends and family members (for which I am thankful for), but thats all from my head.

It hurts me so deep that I don't have either parent anymore. I look to my little guy and he smiles at me, and it just makes my whole day. It makes me wonder, did my mom and dad feel that same joy? Did they feel that same deep love? I am sure they did, but I would love to just talk to them about it.

I am 26 years old, I have been without my dad for 18 years. Thats 10 years longer than I had him in my life. I don't even know who I would be today if he was still around. His death changed my life.

It took me a very long time to no longer be angry at my dad for his choice (he committed suicide). I still have abandoment issues because of his decision. I felt for a long time, that it was my fault. That I wasn't good enough. That he didn't love me enough. That his children just wasn't enough for him.

As an adult, I am able to see now that it was the drugs that just overtook his life and it had nothing to do with his love for me or my siblings, but it took a very long time and I still have some very deep scars from that.

The point is...I miss my dad. I miss my mom. And today, is a sad day for me.
18 years fatherless
4 months 6 days motherless.

Without Wednesday

Charlie and I are constantly aiming to be better spouses and parents. The other night I was thinking about how I could be a better Mother, and I had an idea. I thought, "What if I took one day a week and turned all technology off and just spend the day with my family?" I asked Charlie what he thought of it, and he said "let's do it". So thats our plan.
From this week on, on Wednesday (we set a specific day, because I never work Wednesday's and its much better than rotating days. If we rotate days, there is a chance to forget).
On this day, which we are calling "Without Wednesday" (Charlie's creative juices there) we will have

~ NO Facebook, pinterest, blog, etc, in fact no computer at all

~ No TV shows, or movies

~ I also want to add something new....no cleaning unless Ethan is napping.

The point of this day, and I think its important to remember, is to be more focused on my family. Spend time together, and engaged. Go for a walk, play outside, play with eachother, read, it doesn't matter, just make sure we are engaging.
This week at church, Pastor Dave talked about how we, as mothers, will never be as good as we want to be. I know that, but I do not see why I can not strive to make one more step in the right direction. There is nothing online, on TV that is more important than spending time with my son, but yet I see that I am focusing on the computer and just letting Ethan chill by himself.

I am very excited for this. I will tell you how it goes. There is nothing more important to me than my family, and especially not Facebook or TV shows. When Ethan grows up, I will look back and miss this time in his life. I will not however, miss what happened on Facebook.

Priorities. So many of us have them out of line. I know what is important, and we are going to start setting them in place.

Is there anything you do to make sure you have time set aside to specifically spend time with your family?

He didn't have to be

Since I have been on a kick lately of writing letters to people in my life, in the form of a blog. I have decided to write one to the man who made a decision to take me in as family, and never let go.

Dear Chuck,
I can not possibly describe to you how lucky I am that you are in my life. You have shaped me (and my sister and brother) into the adults we are. At a very young age of 12 years old, you stepped into my life. When you married our mom, there was a side ceremony saying that you promised to also love us children as your own.

During your marriage to my mom, you did exactly that. You taught us, you loved us, you discplined us, you broke our hearts by telling us you were disappointed in us. When I had no father during the critical ages of my life, you stepped in and fullfilled that role.

When you and mom divorced you had every reason to walk away from me and let me become a distant memory. However, you did not. I called you one day after you and mom split, in tears because I had no place to go. Mom and I got into a big fight, and she kicked me out of the house. I was 16 years old, no job, no car, and no place to sleep that night. I was convinced to call you, because I thought you would laugh at me. After all mom had done to you, and the way things ended there, I thought there was no way you would let me back to you. But you did.

As an adult now, I look back and see you there by my side (either literally or figurtively) at every major event in my life, supporting me or setting me straight, or just plain telling me I am making a huge mistake. But you never ever abandoned me and that is more than I could say about most of the adults in my life.

Chuck, I look to you as a father, and as the best father I could ask for. I don't know the answer to "why" alot of things happen the way they do, but I do know that if I had to lose my biologicial dad, then God choose the best stand-in possible to help raise me. I love you very much!

Your beautiful, amazing, fantastic daughter,
Kari Rose

He Didn't Have To Be

Brad Paisley

(I realize that this is a song by a boy, to his dad...but lets pretend.

I hope I'm half the mom, that you didn't have to be a dad?? LOL)