Day 1 -- 15 facts about me

1. Thankful for my heavenly Father and Chuck, because without them, I would be an orphan by more than just official definition.

2. I used to live by the philosophy "I will try anything once" but that didn't work out so well, now I live by, "I will do anything to glorify God".  

3. There are days I talk to my sister on the phone for hours (literally), and when asked what we talked about, I would have no answer.

4. I read my bible everyday. I began this habit in 2010, and had some breaks in 2011 (that was a rough year for me) but have no missed a day since last August. It is amazing how much you learn and grow when you are determined to read God's word daily.

5. My mom always cooked "with a pinch of this" or "a splash of that", never having measurements. I can say that I have become that type of a cook too. My chili recipe (and others) is never the same twice.

6. I am incredibly self conscious. I gained nearly 80 pounds when pregnant with Ethan, and have lost 40 pounds so far, but I have a hard time looking in the mirror at times.

7. I lived in Europe for nearly 6 years, and traveled and saw a ot of things, but I have never been happier than I am now.

8. I met my husband at Lowe's (where we both worked at the times) and my first impression of him was that it was creepy how he always smiled at me.

9. Charlie and I got married in Las Vegas a mere 3 1/2 months after we started dating. Have never second guessed it, and never looked back. I got me a good man, and I am happy.

10. I will forgive anyone who wrongs me, no matter what they did. Because I know the cost of forgiveness. It has been held from me, when I was truly sorry, and I have been forgiven for my many wrongs. Not to mention, if Christ can forgive a sinner like me, who am I to withhold forgiveness from you. But don't take me generosity lightly, just because I forgave you, doesn't mean I will allow you to continue hurting me. Jesus says to forgive 7 x 77 times, but he doesn't say I have to keep allowing you in my life if all you are going to do is hurt me.

11. Ethan is 4 1/2 months old, we are still breastfeeding strong (and we will be breastfeeding until he is 1 or he self weans...we haven't decided), we cloth diaper, we left him intact, and once in a while we even co-sleep. He's my first baby, and I don't know how to do everything right, so we are just doing things how we feel best. And this works for us, and we are happy.

12. I am one of the cheapest people you will meet. I am always looking for a good deal, always willing to accept something for free. Goodwill and Craigslist are very good friends of mine.

13.  I love to read, but I get lazy. I waste so much time on the computer and will go months without picking up a book.

14. I love inside jokes. I love knowing things that no one else knows. I love laughing at something that no one around gets, and even if I tried to explain it, it would not do justice.

15. I want to be the best I can be, for God, Charlie, and Ethan so I am always trying to improve for them, and not be stuck in a rut.

Juggling life

Being a wife and a mother means juggling many different things at once. Tending to the baby, keeping the house cleaned, getting dinner done, and of course I strive to be the best I can be, so I am adding on there more things. So how do I do it? There is no magic potion. The way I think that made things a bit easier is adding a little at a time, and definitely accepting help.

I am a Christian, a wife, a mother, a housekeeper, and a cook. And I want to do all these things well. I have learned that if I allow Charlie to help, then I can be better.

Charlie and I read our bible everyday, but since Ethan's arrival it was harder to find time to do it. So instead of us finding time (besides right before bed when we are both exhausted) when Ethan is asleep to read, we have gotten in the habit of Charlie reading to me every night when we bathe Ethan.

Instead of me feeling that it is completely my responsibility to keep the house up, I have learned that if I share the burden with my wonderful husband than we are both less stressed. If we both do a little, it is not overwhelming for either of us and we feel like more of a team.

This next step, was/is probably the hardest for me. Sometimes Ethan gets so fussy that there is nothing I can do to stop him from crying (crazy I know...lol) and I get frustrated. I am still learning, that it is OK to call Charlie and have him take over for a while. I mean after all we are a team.

So my biggest tip to how to juggle life is don't feel like you have to do it all yourself. You got married to have a partner, and a partner shares responsibilities. Let your spouse help.

Second of all, don't try to do it all at once. Start with what you are comfortable with. If you can't handle reading the bible everyday, do it once a week. If after dinner you are to tired to do dishes, do them in the morning. If the baby won't stop crying and nothing helps, skip bath time tonight and head straight to bed. Do the minimum that needs to be done and add a little at a time.

When you are comfortable, try adding another thing you want to do to make "you" the person you want to be. For example, I want to be the best mom I can be, so I added "Without Wednesday" to our schedule to try to focus on Ethan (and Charlie) more. I want to do more "do it yourself" things, so I am SLOWLY adding things to try to do myself (first cooking spray, then laundry detergent, bathroom cleaner, etc). I want to live more green, so we started with cloth diapers, and now we are hang drying our clothes.

I am by far an organized woman, but I love my family. This is what I have wanted my whole life, so I strive to be all I can be. It's fun to see how the little things add up and before you know it, you have implemented many things that you wanted to do. One at a time.

It all can be done, if you don't overwhelm yourself or your family. Remember, clean dishes don't mean more than a happy family. Make time for family and build that relationship. I am certain you won't think back and wish you did the dishes (this doesn't mean keep your house trashed, just focus on priorities).

Do you have any tips on how you juggle life? How do you make things run organized? I would love more tips.

18 Years too long

Today is the anniversary of my dad's death. He died 18 years ago, leaving behind an 8 and 6 year old daughter, and a one year old son. Thus began, in my opinion, the first life changing trama I have experienced. 

I have very little memories of my dad and not all the ones I have are good. But I am told continuously that without a doubt, my dad loved me very much. My dad was a good guy. Everyone that has ever spoke to me about my dad, has never said anything bad about him. And I have been told, that the one bad memory I have of my dad was brought on by drugs and was not his real personality.

Just for fun, I want to share the very few memories I have of my dad (excluding the one negative, because I don't find that important to remember).

~We were on a small boat fishing. It was just the two of us.
~The house we lived in Oklahoma had a hill down the road, and in one of my memories, my dad was riding his bike home from work. I saw him coming from the one side of the hill, he disappeared and then on the other side of the hill.
~ My dad airbrushing a shirt in the back breezeway type room.
~It was Christmas, and I was sick. We had bunkbeds, and dad was bringing me Sprite.

Well thats it. That is my dad, in my first hand experience. I know a bunch of other stories about him because of friends and family members (for which I am thankful for), but thats all from my head.

It hurts me so deep that I don't have either parent anymore. I look to my little guy and he smiles at me, and it just makes my whole day. It makes me wonder, did my mom and dad feel that same joy? Did they feel that same deep love? I am sure they did, but I would love to just talk to them about it.

I am 26 years old, I have been without my dad for 18 years. Thats 10 years longer than I had him in my life. I don't even know who I would be today if he was still around. His death changed my life.

It took me a very long time to no longer be angry at my dad for his choice (he committed suicide). I still have abandoment issues because of his decision. I felt for a long time, that it was my fault. That I wasn't good enough. That he didn't love me enough. That his children just wasn't enough for him.

As an adult, I am able to see now that it was the drugs that just overtook his life and it had nothing to do with his love for me or my siblings, but it took a very long time and I still have some very deep scars from that.

The point is...I miss my dad. I miss my mom. And today, is a sad day for me.
18 years fatherless
4 months 6 days motherless.

Without Wednesday

Charlie and I are constantly aiming to be better spouses and parents. The other night I was thinking about how I could be a better Mother, and I had an idea. I thought, "What if I took one day a week and turned all technology off and just spend the day with my family?" I asked Charlie what he thought of it, and he said "let's do it". So thats our plan.
From this week on, on Wednesday (we set a specific day, because I never work Wednesday's and its much better than rotating days. If we rotate days, there is a chance to forget).
On this day, which we are calling "Without Wednesday" (Charlie's creative juices there) we will have

~ NO Facebook, pinterest, blog, etc, in fact no computer at all

~ No TV shows, or movies

~ I also want to add something new....no cleaning unless Ethan is napping.

The point of this day, and I think its important to remember, is to be more focused on my family. Spend time together, and engaged. Go for a walk, play outside, play with eachother, read, it doesn't matter, just make sure we are engaging.
This week at church, Pastor Dave talked about how we, as mothers, will never be as good as we want to be. I know that, but I do not see why I can not strive to make one more step in the right direction. There is nothing online, on TV that is more important than spending time with my son, but yet I see that I am focusing on the computer and just letting Ethan chill by himself.

I am very excited for this. I will tell you how it goes. There is nothing more important to me than my family, and especially not Facebook or TV shows. When Ethan grows up, I will look back and miss this time in his life. I will not however, miss what happened on Facebook.

Priorities. So many of us have them out of line. I know what is important, and we are going to start setting them in place.

Is there anything you do to make sure you have time set aside to specifically spend time with your family?

I miss you Mom!

After my last post about my mom, I decided that I would take the words my sister, aunt and I (I would include my brother but he didn't write anything down, he just spoke from his heart) wrote for my mom's funeral and post them as a blog too. But life happened and I just kept pushing it off. And now with it being Mother's Day and all, I figured its the best time to do it.

From Kari

The last time I spoke to my mom was on Tuesday January 10, two days before her death. I had a very silly notion that Ethan was going to be born on that date.

She called me in the evening and said "I know the day isn't over yet, but any signs of labor yet?" I reluctantly had to tell her no, he was staying put a little longer. She would start to joke that he was going to wait until Valentine’s Day.

 Well he didn’t, but he did stay put a while longer. He was two weeks late, born January 22.  That’s how mom was; she tried very hard to support us in everything, especially the small silly things.  

Mom was trying desperately to make a trip to Texas after Ethan was born. She was so worried that I was going through such a life changing experience with no family around.

 I tried to convince her that I was fine, with friends and Charles, but there was none of that. She was certain that I needed family and soon she had me convinced.

 I was very much looking forward to that trip; however, she would never have a chance to make it. I was hoping to bond with her, show her the great husband I had found and just have some quality time together.

We had not spent more than a couple hours together in years. It was definitely time to have some good family bonding time together.

It breaks my heart that at a young age of 26, I have now lost both parents. I thank God that even with those circumstances, He introduced into my life, years ago, someone that I have considered my dad for over a decade. But I am deeply hurt of all the things will be missed by her passing.  

Charles will never have met either of his in-laws and Ethan will never know his grandparents.

I think one of the things that saddens me the most is when I have the inevitable "first time mom" questions..... "When was my first step?" "what was my first word?" "when did I become potty trained?" and so many more questions that a daughter would normally turn to her mom about.  

I have no-one to turn to.

My mom and I grew our relationship so much during my pregnancy. She called me all the time to see how I was doing, especially the last month. She would tell me all the time how things were when she was pregnant with one of us.

She was so proud of Stephanie and Aaron and the job they were doing as parents, I was anxious to show her that she could be proud of me as well.

Don’t get me wrong, I knew my mom was proud of me, but I wanted to show her I could raise my boy right. That the goal I have to be a mother, was obtainable for me, I would do great and she would know as I know, that I was made to be a mother.

As I think about who my mom was, it has been hard on me to look at the situation with the rose colored glasses of grief. I have been looking at the situation as what it was, and not sugar coating it.

But yesterday Aaron said to me and Stephanie that he tried to look at who mom was as a mother and not her individual decisions. That got me thinking of “who mom was”.

Well the biggest thing I think she taught me was Integrity. Mom always said that the definition of integrity was “doing the right thing no matter who was watching”. That didn’t matter if you were getting paid for a job; doing chores, or just helping others out.

Integrity was in everything you did, and it showed who you are. My mom was a hard worker that was for sure. I know that there were times in our childhood where she worked 2 or 3 jobs just to keep a house over our head and food on the table.

It is common knowledge that my mom and I had a couple years where we did not have a relationship because of the characteristics my mother and I share; her stubbornness was definitely in there.

I did not agree with many of her life choices and it took me a long time to realize that those didn’t matter. What matters is she was my mother and we needed a relationship.

For a while I forced it, and "checked the box" and I made sure I called her at least once a week. Sometimes the only thing I could think of to talk about was books, but at least it was a start.  Over time I looked forward to these chats. Sometimes Stephanie and I would laugh at something silly she would say, and other times she was just a comfort, the way a mother should be.

The daughter moment I will forever find comfort in happened a day or two after she died I found myself thinking "I need to call mom and ask her that".

The relationship was finally there, and I will miss what could have been, but I know we were both headed in the right direction.
I love you mom.

From Stephanie

When I think about my mom I think of either music or gardens.  As children we always had to work in the garden weather we were being punished or earning the right to go and do something or just doing it to spend time with mom.  I always remember how happy mom was in the garden.  I think it is one of the only things she truly loved to do. And anyone who ever went to any house my mom lived in they know she squeezed as much garden in the little space she had, so therefore there was always more work then she could handle, and if you knew my mom she always said the reason she had kids was to help her with all the work around the house.  So if us kids got in trouble at all it was, do you want to spread dirt, weed the garden or plant more plants.  Consequently, we got the same options if we wanted to go over to a friend’s house or do any social activity.  I remember at Chuck’s house we had a HUGE garden, we had to number the garden beds to know which one we are being directed to. In the garden we had a swing with a sign that had the lyrics to mom’s favorite Kid Rock song on it.  Even though every house we lived in had a garden, every garden we had, had a butterfly garden, one that we would arrange rocks in the shape of a butterfly and then put plants that would attract butterflies in it.  It was my favorite part of the garden that is just because I am such a picky eater that I didn’t like any of the veggies we grew, which was my mom’s favorite part of the garden HER VEGGIES!!

Mom also loved music, one of the most annoying things she would always do was when a song would come on the radio she would always say, ROCK TRIVIA, in which she would want us to name the artist singing the song.  And don’t let the name fool you it wasn’t just rock music she would do this with, anything she thought we didn’t know the artist of.  She definitely insisted we have a love of music, which most of my memories of my mom I can link to one song or another.  Just like mom’s love of running out of gas.  Weather the car had a gas tank with a hole in it, or on pay day running out of gas on the way to the gas station.  I could not count the amount of times that we ran out of gas and had to walk to the gas station.  There is a song we would sing every time we would walk, Timmy and his cousin Kelly wrote it, it said “I could walk for miles, I could walk for days, I could walk for miles in the rain” and it is true we walked rain or shine because mom never had a cell phone till us kids had all moved out. And due to walking so much with my mom I now refuse to let my car get below a quarter of tank.  I never want to walk if I have a choice.  Which makes me laugh because Kari Rose HATES putting gas in her truck she would always say “my truck says I have 10 miles before empty do you think I can get to work and back before I get gas”   I remember the summer we built the house with Chuck, there were a couple CD’s we were addicted to, Kenny Chesney, Tim McGraw, SheDaisy, and Jo Dee Massina.   That summer was one that I don’t think any of us kids will forget.  We lived in a tent that summer not because we didn’t have a house to live in but because we were always working on the house. 

Mom also loved anything outdoors.  We would go camping for every holiday it was warm enough to go camping and some that it wasn’t quite warm enough. I remember camping for Father’s Day every year because that is what dad would have wanted to do.   I feel we were always camping.  I remember when we lived in a house on the lake mom and I would have fishing tournaments, which probably weren’t very accurate because we would let the fish go as we caught them so who knows how many times we caught the same fish.  But I remember spending HOURS fishing with mom, a drink in one hand and our poles in the other.  There was many hours spent out on the docks fishing, drinking, just wasting time.  Even though my mom had a lot of struggles throughout her life she was still my mom and I will always love her. 

From Aunt Tammy (my mom's sister) 

It’s strange how I can remember my childhood
Yet can’t remember playing together
I can remember young adulthood
But we never hung together

I remember stories of how we stood
Side by side, for one another
We never let our sisterhood
Be trespassed on by another

... As we went into mature adulthood
The sisterly bond became stronger
Unbreakable is our sisterhood
Even though you’re here no longer

I love and miss you so very much
I wish for one last touch
It hurts so very much
To know there will never be another touch

No matter what, I will always love and miss you mommy. I ache for you today. Happy Mother's Day. My first one as a mother, and without my mother.

The joys of breastfeeding

As many of my friends know, I am a huge breastfeeding advocate. I didnt realize how much I would love it until now. My little Ethan is 3 1/2 months old and we still breastfeed on demand. I breastfeed him if he's tired, hungry, achy from teething, whenever he needs it, which is on average ever 2 1/2 - 4 hours (less often at night).

Before he was born, my reasoning for wanting to breastfeed were all health related. You know the normal reasons (it helps with there immune system, lower chance of obseity, allergies, etc) and some personal more selfish reasons (to help me lose weight, lol). And these reasons are still a giant reason I breastfeed, but more reasons are one's I didn't think about before I had Ethan.

Such as, its one less thing I do not have to remember when leaving the house. As a mother, you know the laundry list of things that you need when you are getting ready to leave the house (extra diapers, extra clothes, toys, medicine, etc) and I am grateful that remembering to pack a bottle is not on the list. I do have the thought "when was the last time he ate" and "should I feed him before we leave". However I do not have to plan and think about how long we will be out, and how many bottles he will need, and make sure I have everything. I just whip them out, and he is ready to go.

Another, and very big reason I love breastfeeding, is middle of the night feedings. When Ethan wakes up in the middle of the night, I don't really have to. I zombie walk to his bedroom, pick him up, lay on the couch, and close my eyes while he goes to town. Twenty minutes later (or longer if I actually fall asleep) I open my eyes, he's done eating and back to bed we go. It's not like formula, when you have to wake up, prepare the bottle, make sure its not to hot/cold and then hold it in the infants mouth the correct angle/way so he/she can eat. (Now, I will say that the one downside to breastfeeding is mama does all the middle of the night feedings, daddy is off the hook. But I do not mind, like I said, I don't really wake up).

Another pro to breastfeeding that I would have never thought of before is worrying how much they eat. I know many formula fed mama's and they stress about how many ounces of formula their baby ate last. And I have no idea how many ounces Ethan eats. I know that he eats 15ish minutes, and every 2-3 hours.

Lastly, he can eat whenever. Ethan can use nurse to sooth or eat. There is no worry about overeating. My body and Ethan knows what he needs and when Ethan nurses to sooth, he's not really sucking out milk. He more just suckles for comfort and nothing really comes out.

 I know that most mama's start out with the desire to breastfeed; some cannot, some quit. I read a statistic in a parenting magazine saying only 30% of mom's breastfeed past 3 months. Whatever the reason for stopping, I do not condemn. I just thought I would share why I love it so. I could not imagine our life another way. Breastfeeding is easy to me, its a joy of mine, and it is creating a bond unbreakable.

He didn't have to be

Since I have been on a kick lately of writing letters to people in my life, in the form of a blog. I have decided to write one to the man who made a decision to take me in as family, and never let go.

Dear Chuck,
I can not possibly describe to you how lucky I am that you are in my life. You have shaped me (and my sister and brother) into the adults we are. At a very young age of 12 years old, you stepped into my life. When you married our mom, there was a side ceremony saying that you promised to also love us children as your own.

During your marriage to my mom, you did exactly that. You taught us, you loved us, you discplined us, you broke our hearts by telling us you were disappointed in us. When I had no father during the critical ages of my life, you stepped in and fullfilled that role.

When you and mom divorced you had every reason to walk away from me and let me become a distant memory. However, you did not. I called you one day after you and mom split, in tears because I had no place to go. Mom and I got into a big fight, and she kicked me out of the house. I was 16 years old, no job, no car, and no place to sleep that night. I was convinced to call you, because I thought you would laugh at me. After all mom had done to you, and the way things ended there, I thought there was no way you would let me back to you. But you did.

As an adult now, I look back and see you there by my side (either literally or figurtively) at every major event in my life, supporting me or setting me straight, or just plain telling me I am making a huge mistake. But you never ever abandoned me and that is more than I could say about most of the adults in my life.

Chuck, I look to you as a father, and as the best father I could ask for. I don't know the answer to "why" alot of things happen the way they do, but I do know that if I had to lose my biologicial dad, then God choose the best stand-in possible to help raise me. I love you very much!

Your beautiful, amazing, fantastic daughter,
Kari Rose

He Didn't Have To Be

Brad Paisley

(I realize that this is a song by a boy, to his dad...but lets pretend.

I hope I'm half the mom, that you didn't have to be a dad?? LOL)