Without Wednesday

Charlie and I are constantly aiming to be better spouses and parents. The other night I was thinking about how I could be a better Mother, and I had an idea. I thought, "What if I took one day a week and turned all technology off and just spend the day with my family?" I asked Charlie what he thought of it, and he said "let's do it". So thats our plan.
From this week on, on Wednesday (we set a specific day, because I never work Wednesday's and its much better than rotating days. If we rotate days, there is a chance to forget).
On this day, which we are calling "Without Wednesday" (Charlie's creative juices there) we will have

~ NO Facebook, pinterest, blog, etc, in fact no computer at all

~ No TV shows, or movies

~ I also want to add something new....no cleaning unless Ethan is napping.

The point of this day, and I think its important to remember, is to be more focused on my family. Spend time together, and engaged. Go for a walk, play outside, play with eachother, read, it doesn't matter, just make sure we are engaging.
This week at church, Pastor Dave talked about how we, as mothers, will never be as good as we want to be. I know that, but I do not see why I can not strive to make one more step in the right direction. There is nothing online, on TV that is more important than spending time with my son, but yet I see that I am focusing on the computer and just letting Ethan chill by himself.

I am very excited for this. I will tell you how it goes. There is nothing more important to me than my family, and especially not Facebook or TV shows. When Ethan grows up, I will look back and miss this time in his life. I will not however, miss what happened on Facebook.

Priorities. So many of us have them out of line. I know what is important, and we are going to start setting them in place.

Is there anything you do to make sure you have time set aside to specifically spend time with your family?

Fighting for your Marriage

Let me begin to say that I am not an expert on marriage. Some may say that I have no room to talk, because I have been through a divorce. But I went through a lot in my previous marriage to help me in this marriage.

To give you a quick back story, I was married for almost 7 years to a high school boyfriend. For most of the marriage I was a Christian "in name only". I claimed to be a Christian, but my actions did not represent that. We were both very abusive to each other in very different ways. After 7 years, 2 deployments, many acts of infidelity, different forms of abuse, our marriage ended. Where I completely believe that God did not want us to divorce, I have asked for forgiveness and believe that God has taken my sin and forgiven me, and is blessing my life now that I have given him full rein of it. (Let me state for the record, he filed for divorce, but once he did..for the second time...I completely gave up and allowed the marriage to dissolve.) I only tell you all this because I am not perfect, and I have a background of fighting in a Christian marriage, AND a not so Christian marriage.

So the question at hand is, how do you deal with fights in your marriage if you are a Godly woman? Well let me first say, the bible does not say that you can't fight with your spouse, nor does it say you have to be happy all the time. The bible specifically states "Be angry, and do not sin" (Ephesians 4:26) This means, it is ok to be angry. But it is not ok to sin. Anger is not a sin, what you do while you are angry could be.

In my previous marriage fights were just that, fights. We yelled, screamed, pushed, and more. There was a lot of sinning in the marriage, and a lot of sinning in the fighting. I never felt respected, and I am certain he didn't either. We just constantly tore each other down and didn't spend much time building each other up. This kind of fighting, just does not work. It makes you both have regrets, it makes you both feel bad, it makes you both just miserable all around.

So how should you fight?

Charlie and I have been married just about 10 months, and have not once yelled, screamed, or physically touched each other in anger. I definitely am not saying we have perfected the art of fighting. But I can promise you if you try to do these small tips, the lows in your marriage, will seem not so bad.

Never yell at your spouse. I don't care if your spouse is screaming at you. If you keep a calm voice and attitude, it will help the whole situation calm down. If your spouse is screaming, and you scream, then they scream louder....vicious cycle. Keep your voice low and attitude calm and you will easily keep the fight smaller.

Never say anything that may be regretted later. Never call your spouse names. Unless they are sweet pet names. Never put your spouse down. Attack the issue, not your spouse.

Never lie to your spouse. I have learned this first hand. Lying never helps. No matter what the truth is, always tell it. Better to go through hell now trying to get over something big, than living a lie for years, and it possibly coming out later and having to deal with it then. In my previous marriage, I lied a lot. I don't know why, or what possessed me too, but it hurt the marriage so much.

Never fight in front of the kids. Your children should always see you and your spouse treat each other with respect, and never hear you two fight. There is no reason. Just as intimate time should happen behind closed doors, so should disagreements.

Lastly, NEVER EVER EVER threaten divorce. You married your spouse, you swore before God that you would stay with your spouse "for better or for worse". Don't think divorce, don't say divorce, and don't divorce. From the first month of marriage, my ex-husband had put divorce on the table, and the entire 7 years we were married, I never felt confident it would last, because he was always threatening (and then finally going through with) divorce. Make sure your spouse knows without a shadow of a doubt that you are staying put, that through thick and thin, no matter what happens, you two are a team. And make sure YOU believe it too. Divorce is not an option.

Once again, I am no expert, but I have learned from first hand experience that following these few tips will help so much! The other day Charlie and I were getting ready for bed, and he said to me, "I am sorry we had a bad day and fought today", I looked at him, and with all sincerity said "when did we fight?". That's how it should be, fights should be that calm and loving still.

What about you? Do you have any tips that help you in your marriage to keep fights at bay? I would love to hear them.

I miss you Mom!

After my last post about my mom, I decided that I would take the words my sister, aunt and I (I would include my brother but he didn't write anything down, he just spoke from his heart) wrote for my mom's funeral and post them as a blog too. But life happened and I just kept pushing it off. And now with it being Mother's Day and all, I figured its the best time to do it.

From Kari

The last time I spoke to my mom was on Tuesday January 10, two days before her death. I had a very silly notion that Ethan was going to be born on that date.

She called me in the evening and said "I know the day isn't over yet, but any signs of labor yet?" I reluctantly had to tell her no, he was staying put a little longer. She would start to joke that he was going to wait until Valentine’s Day.

 Well he didn’t, but he did stay put a while longer. He was two weeks late, born January 22.  That’s how mom was; she tried very hard to support us in everything, especially the small silly things.  

Mom was trying desperately to make a trip to Texas after Ethan was born. She was so worried that I was going through such a life changing experience with no family around.

 I tried to convince her that I was fine, with friends and Charles, but there was none of that. She was certain that I needed family and soon she had me convinced.

 I was very much looking forward to that trip; however, she would never have a chance to make it. I was hoping to bond with her, show her the great husband I had found and just have some quality time together.

We had not spent more than a couple hours together in years. It was definitely time to have some good family bonding time together.

It breaks my heart that at a young age of 26, I have now lost both parents. I thank God that even with those circumstances, He introduced into my life, years ago, someone that I have considered my dad for over a decade. But I am deeply hurt of all the things will be missed by her passing.  

Charles will never have met either of his in-laws and Ethan will never know his grandparents.

I think one of the things that saddens me the most is when I have the inevitable "first time mom" questions..... "When was my first step?" "what was my first word?" "when did I become potty trained?" and so many more questions that a daughter would normally turn to her mom about.  

I have no-one to turn to.

My mom and I grew our relationship so much during my pregnancy. She called me all the time to see how I was doing, especially the last month. She would tell me all the time how things were when she was pregnant with one of us.

She was so proud of Stephanie and Aaron and the job they were doing as parents, I was anxious to show her that she could be proud of me as well.

Don’t get me wrong, I knew my mom was proud of me, but I wanted to show her I could raise my boy right. That the goal I have to be a mother, was obtainable for me, I would do great and she would know as I know, that I was made to be a mother.

As I think about who my mom was, it has been hard on me to look at the situation with the rose colored glasses of grief. I have been looking at the situation as what it was, and not sugar coating it.

But yesterday Aaron said to me and Stephanie that he tried to look at who mom was as a mother and not her individual decisions. That got me thinking of “who mom was”.

Well the biggest thing I think she taught me was Integrity. Mom always said that the definition of integrity was “doing the right thing no matter who was watching”. That didn’t matter if you were getting paid for a job; doing chores, or just helping others out.

Integrity was in everything you did, and it showed who you are. My mom was a hard worker that was for sure. I know that there were times in our childhood where she worked 2 or 3 jobs just to keep a house over our head and food on the table.

It is common knowledge that my mom and I had a couple years where we did not have a relationship because of the characteristics my mother and I share; her stubbornness was definitely in there.

I did not agree with many of her life choices and it took me a long time to realize that those didn’t matter. What matters is she was my mother and we needed a relationship.

For a while I forced it, and "checked the box" and I made sure I called her at least once a week. Sometimes the only thing I could think of to talk about was books, but at least it was a start.  Over time I looked forward to these chats. Sometimes Stephanie and I would laugh at something silly she would say, and other times she was just a comfort, the way a mother should be.

The daughter moment I will forever find comfort in happened a day or two after she died I found myself thinking "I need to call mom and ask her that".

The relationship was finally there, and I will miss what could have been, but I know we were both headed in the right direction.
I love you mom.

From Stephanie

When I think about my mom I think of either music or gardens.  As children we always had to work in the garden weather we were being punished or earning the right to go and do something or just doing it to spend time with mom.  I always remember how happy mom was in the garden.  I think it is one of the only things she truly loved to do. And anyone who ever went to any house my mom lived in they know she squeezed as much garden in the little space she had, so therefore there was always more work then she could handle, and if you knew my mom she always said the reason she had kids was to help her with all the work around the house.  So if us kids got in trouble at all it was, do you want to spread dirt, weed the garden or plant more plants.  Consequently, we got the same options if we wanted to go over to a friend’s house or do any social activity.  I remember at Chuck’s house we had a HUGE garden, we had to number the garden beds to know which one we are being directed to. In the garden we had a swing with a sign that had the lyrics to mom’s favorite Kid Rock song on it.  Even though every house we lived in had a garden, every garden we had, had a butterfly garden, one that we would arrange rocks in the shape of a butterfly and then put plants that would attract butterflies in it.  It was my favorite part of the garden that is just because I am such a picky eater that I didn’t like any of the veggies we grew, which was my mom’s favorite part of the garden HER VEGGIES!!

Mom also loved music, one of the most annoying things she would always do was when a song would come on the radio she would always say, ROCK TRIVIA, in which she would want us to name the artist singing the song.  And don’t let the name fool you it wasn’t just rock music she would do this with, anything she thought we didn’t know the artist of.  She definitely insisted we have a love of music, which most of my memories of my mom I can link to one song or another.  Just like mom’s love of running out of gas.  Weather the car had a gas tank with a hole in it, or on pay day running out of gas on the way to the gas station.  I could not count the amount of times that we ran out of gas and had to walk to the gas station.  There is a song we would sing every time we would walk, Timmy and his cousin Kelly wrote it, it said “I could walk for miles, I could walk for days, I could walk for miles in the rain” and it is true we walked rain or shine because mom never had a cell phone till us kids had all moved out. And due to walking so much with my mom I now refuse to let my car get below a quarter of tank.  I never want to walk if I have a choice.  Which makes me laugh because Kari Rose HATES putting gas in her truck she would always say “my truck says I have 10 miles before empty do you think I can get to work and back before I get gas”   I remember the summer we built the house with Chuck, there were a couple CD’s we were addicted to, Kenny Chesney, Tim McGraw, SheDaisy, and Jo Dee Massina.   That summer was one that I don’t think any of us kids will forget.  We lived in a tent that summer not because we didn’t have a house to live in but because we were always working on the house. 

Mom also loved anything outdoors.  We would go camping for every holiday it was warm enough to go camping and some that it wasn’t quite warm enough. I remember camping for Father’s Day every year because that is what dad would have wanted to do.   I feel we were always camping.  I remember when we lived in a house on the lake mom and I would have fishing tournaments, which probably weren’t very accurate because we would let the fish go as we caught them so who knows how many times we caught the same fish.  But I remember spending HOURS fishing with mom, a drink in one hand and our poles in the other.  There was many hours spent out on the docks fishing, drinking, just wasting time.  Even though my mom had a lot of struggles throughout her life she was still my mom and I will always love her. 

From Aunt Tammy (my mom's sister) 

It’s strange how I can remember my childhood
Yet can’t remember playing together
I can remember young adulthood
But we never hung together

I remember stories of how we stood
Side by side, for one another
We never let our sisterhood
Be trespassed on by another

... As we went into mature adulthood
The sisterly bond became stronger
Unbreakable is our sisterhood
Even though you’re here no longer

I love and miss you so very much
I wish for one last touch
It hurts so very much
To know there will never be another touch

No matter what, I will always love and miss you mommy. I ache for you today. Happy Mother's Day. My first one as a mother, and without my mother.

Unanswered Prayers

Dear Charlie,
Oh my love, how could I be so blessed as to have you love me so deeply? How did God see me as worthy, even as I was living in sin, to grant me the love I have begged for years to have?

My life has been so chaotic, and has so many low points. It would be very easy to fall into a "woe is me" outlook of life. I could easily curse God for all the pain that I went through. But I see it all as a way to help me grow and make me who I am. There are so many scars in my past that I wish were not there. However I can see each step brought me right into your arms.

A friend recently stated to me, "Ugh, Why couldn't you and Charles find each other sooner?" and it was so easy for me to answer, "Because we would have been a mess for each other". God knew better than us. God knew what we needed to go through in our individual lives before we could come together and love each other so fully and completely.

From the first moment you looked at me and said "I love you" I have never doubted it. During our lowest low, I still knew. The biggest doubt I had ever had was, "will this intense deep love last?" "will I ever be good enough to deserve this, and keep you around?" Well my love, I still doubt myself, but you have spent everyday out our last year together building me up and making me feel more love than I ever knew was possible. I believe in you. I believe in your love. I believe that those eyes look at me with as much love as your words profess. I believe it, and I love it!

For years I prayed to God for a family, I begged God for a Christian husband, I cried to Him regularly to fill my womb with a child. And finally those prayers have been answered, but no where near how I thought they would be. Thank God, He knows better than I do. Thank God that He knew that there was a man waiting for me, and was going to fulfill ALL of those prayers.

I am in complete awe with how God has orchestrated my life. And I thank Him daily for allowing me to have a husband who strives daily to show Christ's love to me, to lead this family the way God calls you too, and to be a better man.

I am so proud of you and the man of God you are becoming. You're growth and change that I have seen in the last year is admirable. You are growing in the the man God wants you to be. I cannot wait to see who you become and stand next to you as you grow.  I love you Charlie.


Your devoted loving wife,
Kari Rose

Garth Brooks

"Unanswered Prayers"

The joys of breastfeeding

As many of my friends know, I am a huge breastfeeding advocate. I didnt realize how much I would love it until now. My little Ethan is 3 1/2 months old and we still breastfeed on demand. I breastfeed him if he's tired, hungry, achy from teething, whenever he needs it, which is on average ever 2 1/2 - 4 hours (less often at night).

Before he was born, my reasoning for wanting to breastfeed were all health related. You know the normal reasons (it helps with there immune system, lower chance of obseity, allergies, etc) and some personal more selfish reasons (to help me lose weight, lol). And these reasons are still a giant reason I breastfeed, but more reasons are one's I didn't think about before I had Ethan.

Such as, its one less thing I do not have to remember when leaving the house. As a mother, you know the laundry list of things that you need when you are getting ready to leave the house (extra diapers, extra clothes, toys, medicine, etc) and I am grateful that remembering to pack a bottle is not on the list. I do have the thought "when was the last time he ate" and "should I feed him before we leave". However I do not have to plan and think about how long we will be out, and how many bottles he will need, and make sure I have everything. I just whip them out, and he is ready to go.

Another, and very big reason I love breastfeeding, is middle of the night feedings. When Ethan wakes up in the middle of the night, I don't really have to. I zombie walk to his bedroom, pick him up, lay on the couch, and close my eyes while he goes to town. Twenty minutes later (or longer if I actually fall asleep) I open my eyes, he's done eating and back to bed we go. It's not like formula, when you have to wake up, prepare the bottle, make sure its not to hot/cold and then hold it in the infants mouth the correct angle/way so he/she can eat. (Now, I will say that the one downside to breastfeeding is mama does all the middle of the night feedings, daddy is off the hook. But I do not mind, like I said, I don't really wake up).

Another pro to breastfeeding that I would have never thought of before is worrying how much they eat. I know many formula fed mama's and they stress about how many ounces of formula their baby ate last. And I have no idea how many ounces Ethan eats. I know that he eats 15ish minutes, and every 2-3 hours.

Lastly, he can eat whenever. Ethan can use nurse to sooth or eat. There is no worry about overeating. My body and Ethan knows what he needs and when Ethan nurses to sooth, he's not really sucking out milk. He more just suckles for comfort and nothing really comes out.

 I know that most mama's start out with the desire to breastfeed; some cannot, some quit. I read a statistic in a parenting magazine saying only 30% of mom's breastfeed past 3 months. Whatever the reason for stopping, I do not condemn. I just thought I would share why I love it so. I could not imagine our life another way. Breastfeeding is easy to me, its a joy of mine, and it is creating a bond unbreakable.

C-section -- the "easy" birth

The last few days I have been overwhelmed with blogs, facebook posts, or people just saying to me that they either wished they had a C-section birth, C-sections are easier, or that I am lucky because I had a C-section. This makes me want to scream!

 I envy those who were able to give birth vaginally. I honestly feel like I failed myself because I was not able to give birth vaginally. My anger has many parts to it. First of all, a C-section is not easy and painless, C-sections SHOULD be emergency only, and the miracle of vaginally birthing your child is how God intended and therefore should be everyone's desire.

To begin with, I can promise you that C-sections are not easy, and definitely not painless. Now I realize that I have one child, born via C-section, so I can only first hand speak of the pain and suffering I went through and not what those who have birthed vaginally go through. During the C-section my body was cut open, and the doctor said I would feel "a little pressure". Well, let me tell you, that "little pressure" hurt like my insides were being torn out (and they kinda were). If that wasn't enough, I was unable to get up and move around for 24 hours, my legs were strapped in these things to pump blood through them so I did not get blood clots. My incision hurt so bad that I could not have a bowel movement without crying for 4-5 weeks. I could not cough without wincing for weeks. I could not get out of bed to get my baby and feed him easily and without pain for 3 weeks. I could not lay comfortably in bed because of my incision also for nearly 3 weeks. My incision still has a numbing feeling to it (my little guy is 3 1/2 months old). Not to mention that for the rest of my life I have a scar that constantly reminds me that I could not birth my child naturally, and I had to have a doctor cut him out of me. It was not physically easy on me. It hurt. It still hurts. And I am only speaking of physical pain.

Also, C-sections should never be a choice "just because". C-sections are major abdonimal surgery. And to have one because you are scared of labor, or because the doctor is lazy, or because YOU are lazy, is a ridiculous idea. You are willing to submit yourself to major surgery because you didn't think about the consquences of having sex COULD end in pregnancy, and if so, WOULD end in labor. You are afraid of pain, and don't think you can handle it? That is not an excuse. And neither is a "big baby". Women have been giving birth naturally for centuries. Women have been giving birth to 9+ (even 10 or 11) pound babies without drugs for a very long time. (Yes, even now, with modern medicine, some women choose to give birth naturally, and give birth to a big baby). Elective C-sections make me so angry. More could go wrong having a doctor cut you open, then giving birth vaginally. And why would you take that chance with a new baby (once again, I am speaking only about elective c-sections).

Lastly, I have cried over the fact that the birth of my son turned out the way it did. I was looking forward to giving birth to him naturally. I was not afraid of the pain, I looked forward to feeling my body do what it was made to do. I wanted to feel that. I did not want to be numbed up. God made me (and every women) with the ability and the strength to give birth naturally, and I strive to live up to what God made me to be/do.

I think that the worse part of me having to have a C-section is that it will be difficult for me to convince a lot of doctors to allow me to have a vaginal birth in the future. Now trust me when I say, it is not impossible, and as long as my body healed correctly I will be doing it. But there is false information that is being put out (by people in the medical community) that if you have a C-section, that you can never safely have a vaginal birth in the future. This is not true. It will be harder on me though, for example, my home town in Michigan has two hospitals in it, neither will allow women to have a VBAC (Vaginal birth after cesearen).

I think women need to step up and if they decide to have a baby, to be prepared for what that means. That means pushing a baby out of your body. That means taking one day of your life and being in as much pain as it takes to give your child the start that he/she deserves. That means sacraficing you. And if you are not willing to do the work, maybe you should think twice about forever changing your life and getting pregnant in the first place.

Now to finish this off, I know that the people who think that C-sections are the "easy way" are not the majority. But I have heard it enough to be angry. Also, realize that any reference to drugs during childbirth is my opinion, and I strive not to force my thoughts about this on others. If you believe that pitocin, epidural, etc is right for you, I beg you to do your research as to what that means for your child, and make an informed decision that is best for your family. And do not judge my family for the informed decisions we make.

He didn't have to be

Since I have been on a kick lately of writing letters to people in my life, in the form of a blog. I have decided to write one to the man who made a decision to take me in as family, and never let go.

Dear Chuck,
I can not possibly describe to you how lucky I am that you are in my life. You have shaped me (and my sister and brother) into the adults we are. At a very young age of 12 years old, you stepped into my life. When you married our mom, there was a side ceremony saying that you promised to also love us children as your own.

During your marriage to my mom, you did exactly that. You taught us, you loved us, you discplined us, you broke our hearts by telling us you were disappointed in us. When I had no father during the critical ages of my life, you stepped in and fullfilled that role.

When you and mom divorced you had every reason to walk away from me and let me become a distant memory. However, you did not. I called you one day after you and mom split, in tears because I had no place to go. Mom and I got into a big fight, and she kicked me out of the house. I was 16 years old, no job, no car, and no place to sleep that night. I was convinced to call you, because I thought you would laugh at me. After all mom had done to you, and the way things ended there, I thought there was no way you would let me back to you. But you did.

As an adult now, I look back and see you there by my side (either literally or figurtively) at every major event in my life, supporting me or setting me straight, or just plain telling me I am making a huge mistake. But you never ever abandoned me and that is more than I could say about most of the adults in my life.

Chuck, I look to you as a father, and as the best father I could ask for. I don't know the answer to "why" alot of things happen the way they do, but I do know that if I had to lose my biologicial dad, then God choose the best stand-in possible to help raise me. I love you very much!

Your beautiful, amazing, fantastic daughter,
Kari Rose

He Didn't Have To Be

Brad Paisley

(I realize that this is a song by a boy, to his dad...but lets pretend.

I hope I'm half the mom, that you didn't have to be a dad?? LOL)

What I deserve

My life has not been perfect. I have done quite a few things that are not things that "good Christians" should do. And I held alot of shame over those things for a long time. It wasn't until a friend approached me (with equal types of "bad" things in her past" and asked me, if I have a problem forgiving those who have hurt me, or forgiving myself for the bad I have done. This really got me thinking. The quick answer was no, I no longer feel guilty. But then I had to ask myself "Why?"


I do not "deserve" the blessings that God has given me, I do not "deserve" this amazing family i have, I do not "deserve" this second...third...forth...etc chance that I have been given. And then it clicked. I do not "deserve" any of this. But isn't that alone, the whole point. We as humans do not deserve the eternale life God has promised. We will never live up to those standards and we will never be "good enough".

I told my friend (which was God speaking through me, considering it was in the moment, and wasn't until hours later I realized how true of a statement I was making) that once I truly gave my life over to Jesus, and leaned on him for my salvation. Once I made life style changes to become a child of God and not a child of Satan, that God had forgiven me. I had become a new creation in Christ. I was no longer who I had been, but I was now God's chosen child. The old me was gone.


So as a follower of Jesus, once I asked for his forgiveness, he wiped my sin away, made me white as snow. He no longer held those sins over me. So if the creator of the universe had forgiven me, and I had made life style changes, and I was now walking as a child of God, then why shouldn't I deserve the blessings God has given me.


I will never be deserving of God's goodness. I will never be sinless. I will never be all that I should be. But I try everyday to be a little bit better and I believe that God sees that I am trying and honors that.


There are two songs that helped me during my walk back to Christ, two songs that made me realize, I am not who I was, I am not the mistakes I made. I am Kari Rose Hache. And Jesus Christ loves me and has forgiven me. I hope that if you are struggling through past sins, and whether or not you deserve anything new they will help you too.

Change in the Making

Addision Road

You are More

Tenth Avenue North

Just remember two truths from these songs. God is not done with you yet and you are more than the sins you have made. I pray that this blog reaches someone deeply, because it has been just tugging at my heart for days to write. If you have any questions, or need to talk more in depth about Gods love for you, about his forgiveness, or about how you can also be free from bondage, please comment or email me at faithcanmove7@gmail.com. I would LOVE to talk to you.

Lost Child

I have decided to open my heart and write a very candid letter to my recently passed away mother. It has been hard on me as I was under the impression she had her life under control, and then this slapped us in the face. I wasn't going to write this out of respect to others, but as her daughter I believe I have the right to feel the way I feel and to express it as I would like. So I apologize if this offends you.

Dear Mom,

I am having such anger issues with your death. It has been very hard for me to separate dad's suicide and your overdose. Truly whats the difference? You were not a dumb person, you knew the consequences to your actions and you didn't care. You knew that any minute I could be giving birth to my little guy, your grandson, and you didn't care. You promised me, to the point of me actually believing you, that you were going to come visit us. But the truth ended up being, that a quick high was more important than your children or grandchildren. Honestly, how many times did you choose drugs or alcohol over us? How many visits to Michigan were canceled because you didnt have enough money? And where did your money go? How many times did we go without because we didn't have enough money? This is not a new problem, this has been a constant issue for over ten years.

It took me over 10 years to get angry at dad for what he did. You saw how his death affected all of us children, but that wasn't enough. Gosh mom, why was drugs so much better than your children? I look at my son, and I would do anything for him. I would give up the world just to see him smile. I just don't understand how every mom doesn't feel the same way. But you didn't feel the same way, did you? I can make a list of things that were more important than us children. For goodness sake, you didnt speak to me for over a year! And why? Because your drug infested life was more important than your first born child. You brought danger to your children more than once. You gave us drugs, cigarettes and alcohol. How do you rationalize that?

Now can you explain to me mom, how your drug overdose is any different than dad shooting himself? In all honesty, you chose this. You may not have known that when you started that night that it would kill you, but you knew the dangers you were putting yourself in. You knew that if anything happened to you that the three of us would be orphaned. And you did it anyways, over and over again. You just didn't care about anything but the "now". How would it make you feel "now". Well mom, how do you feel now? You know have three relatively young children with no parents. You have three grandchildren that will never have grandparents. You willingly orphaned us.

Mom, I was asked the other day "how big were you when you were born?" Well I don't know that answer, nor the answer to hundreds of other questions from my childhood, and who can I ask? Noone! I hope your last night was worth it mom.


But here's the deal. I forgive you. Not because you deserve it, but because I was forgiven when I didn't deserve it. I am not going to let this control my life, you made your bed, and now are laying in it. The only thing I can do now is raise my son the way God asks me to and not the way I was shown. I still love you. I still am sad that you are gone. I am still sad that your grandson will never meet you. But life goes on. And I will "go on" happily with my family.

Love,
Kari

PS to my readers, this was all the anger I could muster just to get it out. On a normal day to day basis I am not this angry, but I feel that if I were to just to let it all out it would make me feel better. I will let you know. But please keep me and my family (sister and brother especially) in your prayers as I know we are all dealing with this.

Dear Ethan

I am a follower of a blog titled "Birth Without Fear"and the other day she posted a letter that she had wrote to her unborn child. I really liked the letter, and even more liked the idea of writing a letter to Ethan. So I am going to go ahead and do that.

My amazing little guy,

You are currently 16 days old, and every day you amaze me by how much I love you and how awesome you prove to be. Even so little and tiny, you tug at your daddy and my heart everyday. I fall in love with you more and more each facial expression you make, or groan you make, every sleepless night, and yes, even every diaper I change. It seems cliche but you are perfect. God gave you to us as a gift, and I promise you we do not take this gift for granted.

Mommy and daddy wanted you for a very long time. We just didn't know how God would answer that prayer. Mommy has dreamt about the day she would hold you for years. Daddy has prayed for the chance to be an amazing father (which I think you would agree he is succeeding at) for years. And one day, we decided that it was time for us to go for it and start a family. We prayed that God would agree with us, and bless us with you, and he did.

When I told your daddy that I was pregnant with you, he was ecstatic. I have only seen him happier once in my life, and that was the day I became his wife. It was an answered prayer. And throughout the entire pregnancy it felt to good to be true. This little life that was moving around inside of me was truly going to be our son. You have been daddy's little guy from the womb. Whenever I got worried because you weren't moving around as much as I thought you should have been, I would ask daddy to talk to you and then, without fail, little kicks and punches would start.
We prayed and prayed for how you would enter the world, and were prepared to meet you. And by the time 42 weeks pregnant came around, you can imagine we were anxious and ready to meet you.

Little guy, I love EVERYTHING about you. I could not be more blessed to have you. I am overwhelmed by you, in the best possible way. Your daddy and I love each other very much, and we never realized that something was missing from our relationship/marriage until 16 days ago. You have completed all those empty places we had.

I pray that mommy and daddy never take our little miracle guy for granted, I pray that we always look at you as the blessing we see you today as. Mommy and Daddy love you Ethan, so very much.

I can't promise that Daddy and I will be perfect parents, and I won't promise that decisions we make won't make you angry. But I promise you this...Daddy and I will raise you in a Godly household, and every decision we make in parenting will be after consulting with God and making sure we are following his will. If we mess up, we will do everything we can to rectify it, with you and with God. And, Ethan, when you are 16 years old, and we tell make a decision that angers you, remember one thing, we love you.

(Oh and I told Granny De, that you and I have a pact that you wont grow up big, you will stay my little guy forever, make sure you keep your end of that bargain for mommy, ok?)

Love,
Mommy